Speed Racer

Speed Racer, an updated big-screen version of the TV show not many people watched in the 1960's, opened last week. Having nothing to do, I went. By the time I exited the theater into the bright Florida night, I felt as if I had been watching this piece of crapola since the 1960's, non-stop. 2 and a half merciful hours later, the referee finally blew the whistle, and they let us leave.

This movie was conceived and delivered to us by the nerds that made the Matrix trilogy...an interesting, well-done series of films that made geekdom cool for a few years. But this thing??? Oh my God. The colors were so loud Timothy Leary would have thought he was flashing back to his Harvard days, and he certainly would have been dialing 9-1-1.

"Hello? Yes...hospital emergency room? I think the blotter from that 1966 night outside Fenway Park is kicking in again. Yes ma'am...it's Doctor Leary one more time."

And this is supposed to be a kid-friendly movie too. Strong sexual innuendo, adult humor that no kids will understand, and a fractured and inane plot line will have you wishing you were sitting next to Michael Richards at a Jeremiah Wright sermon rather than enduring another 5 minutes of this dog.

Out of 5 possible bananas, this thing gets the peel...that's it.

Our next film shake-down will be "Expelled. No intelligence required." Until then, only take union-approved and sponsored banana's from your monkey.